Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Think I'd Really Stay Away Forever?? ...As If ;)

Wow.  I didn't realize how much I liked my blog until I just visited it for the first time in ages and thoroughly enjoyed reading the past post on my babes!  I came to my blog to write tonight as sort of a journal.  I really do want to make it more of a priority to document the lives of my kids bc it really is so much fun to look back on!  

Sweet Carse is having surgery this coming Monday (in 6 days).  It's a major surgery too!  It will take about 3-4 hours and she will have to stay in the hospital for 2-5 days afterwards.  If that doesn't make a mommas heart freak out I don't know what will.  Really, I realize that there are kids who have tons and tons of surgeries or surgery on their hearts and much more scary things but for me this is as severe as it has gotten and it does tempt me to be utterly frightened.  

So what do I do.  I pray, talk to God, or ponder the truth and what have you.  I'm praying for all the normal things to pray for.  For a non complicated successful surgery.  For the doctors to have wisdom and steady hands!  For Carson not to be afraid to heal quickly and for us to trust God as we wait.  Something weird I am praying for is for Carson to not throw up when she is coming out of anesthesia.  I am praying that we can leave the hospital more towards the 2 day mark than the 5 bc she is doing so well.  I think about how in control God is.  How He loves her far more than I could even try....

Then tonight...  bam.  Really it was an attack.  I started thinking as I was praying.  Why would God answer my prayers?  Why would he even care for me?  I know how I talked to my husband today.  I know how ineffective I have been lately.  I know how I long for my coffee each morning sometimes most of the times way more than I long for Him.  And on and on and on.  I seriously almost started to cry in my feeling of hopelessness.  My mind was seriously so clearly thinking why would He want to look upon me with any sort of favor???  

Then by the grace (unearned unmerited favor of course) of God I started hearing in my head the hymn 'before the throne of God above'.  More specifically, the second verse. 

When Satan tempts me to despair
And tells me of the guilt within,
Upward I look and see Him there
Who made an end of all my sin.
Because the sinless Savior died
My sinful soul is counted free.
For God the just is satisfied
To look on Him and pardon me.

Oh yeah!  Duh!  When He looks at me does He see my impatience with my kids at times?  Or my selfishness with my time? or all the other things that can make you gasp?  No,  my goodness what He sees is absolutely mind blowing in my opinion.  He sees Jesus' record on me.  A perfect spotless record.   Now for the good tears filled with hope.  A kind of hope, a kind of love, a kind of grace that motivates me 'to press on towards the goal to win the prize' and to 'work out my salvation with fear and trembling'.

I'm thankful for this Grace tonight.  Thank you sweet Lord that as You say in Your word that You do not repay me as my sins deserve and instead You poured out all that wrath on your Son.  Thank you Jesus for bearing the punishment for ALL of my sin.

Can this news ever get too elementary for a christian?  I don't know about you but it makes my heart swell.  If you want to hear a fab version of the hymn but Shane and Shane visit this link here.  I doubt you'll be disappointed ; ).